I have been noticeably absent for the last few months. It seems that the complexities of my life have engulfed me, chewed me up, and spit me out. Exhaustion and apathy have won. The veritable pace I have been living life at has come to a much needed screeching halt.
I sit back and think to myself, how do you really bring people far enough into your world that they can catch a glimpse of understanding? I was driving to my shrinks office today, letting my mind wander through traffic lights and cars speeding past. I sifted through the layers upon layers in my heart and tried desperately to turn the images in my head of layers of happenings into words. I sat with the realization that I live most of my life absent from the present.
I sit so comfortably in the spectator’s seat with a front view of my own life, detached and ambivalent. The words that seep out of my mouth are just words. They have absolutely no feeling anymore. Exhaustion. Cancer. Terminal. Hurt. Devastation. Dissolution. Hopeless. Despair. Time flying by and slipping through my fingers into yesterdays in a fleeting pile without any recognition of meaning.
I have become so comfortable with not feeling anything. I have become a ghost in my own life. I have been too happy to just let joy go out the window with fear. I have become content drifting on the wind, happy to mean nothing to anyone. Pleased to disappear into the time voids in between work.
When the hell did life become so damm painful. When did my heart get so thoroughly obliterated that it no longer feels? How the hell did the horror of the bad eat the good right out of existence? I am just not sure. I sit here and try my damnedest to feel something again…Tears. It always comes out in tears. Hot, burning, painful life. I simply can’t remember the last time I felt joy. I catch glimpses of it every now and then. It is so fleeting, like a whisper of silk softly kissing my soul in the form of a distant memory…
I am learning how to cry again. I am learning how to feel pain. I am slowly clawing my way up from the depths of despair and hopelessness. I know that with the fresh deep pain of my life, will come joy.
I am just going to leave that right here…