So, first off….Great news! John John’s MRI, although eventful was stable from the last. NO NEW CANCER IN THE BRAIN OR SPINE! Thank You Lord! The recent new symptoms are likely due to a new developmental milestone being met and the brain damage manifesting itself in new or different ways. That is OK. We can get him hooked up with the right therapists to overcome these problems.
Now, I really want to talk about something I have come to intimately understand. It is a simple passage from the bible that I have struggled with for years without even understanding it.
Proverbs 13:12 ESV
12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
I have been afraid for so long to believe in this hope everyone speaks of. My struggle is, my hope is placed in The Lord. Not in an outcome. This is both right and wrong for various reasons. Why it is wrong for me, is simple. If I do not hope for a miracle, simply pray for one….God never shows up in His full glory. Don’t get me wrong, I have been praying for a miracle from day 1. Its not the same as placing my Hope in God’s hands. In not placing my hope in God’s hands for an outcome, I avoid God’s power all together.
All the ladies in my Fri prayer group know how I struggle to know how to pray for John John’s brain cancer. I prayed expecting full healing for a long time. Then unexpectedly, his brain cancer spread. It broke my hope. Let me be more succinct, I let circumstance dictate my state of hope. And, thus the struggle of the heart began. I would pray for a miracle, but in a sorrowful begging way that held no hope. Panic would overtake me when I saw things that were not normal happening. I would begin to beg for a positive outcome, but bury him in my mind.
If you do not place your hope for an outcome in God’s hands and let Him decide how it is to be dealt with, you set yourself up for the enemy to swoop in and kill, steal, and destroy.
Prayer is a funny thing. It can become a mind game of sorts. If I pray for a miracle and don’t get one, was my faith not deep enough? If I pray for healing and don’t get an all clear report, is John John healed? If I place my hope in a miracle and he dies, was I in denial the whole time? I have seen varying examples of each of these circumstances.
Look, God is NOT Santa Clause…..If you just believe in the magic. Uh No.
There is a difference between placing an expectation on God and submitting your hope to His mercy. It is not something I have ever heard a preacher or teacher explain to me. I know that hope deferred for so long made my heart sick, because hope is to be placed gently into the hands of The Trusted One. Understanding that He knows what He has in store for me. It is not to be quantified or predicted by man. He already showed me that was not truth. If it was, John would have been dead for possibly 2 years by now. No, that’s not how God wants us to think. We can hear the predictions, grieve the loss, and place the hope in God’s trusted hands. And, in that pray healing, miracles, and tears. Invest Hope in life and God’s plan for our hope.
As this season of my life has gone from bitterness into walking through the doors I prayed for God to open, I see changes occurring. In me.
I act in faith, bring my son for anointing, prayer from the elders. I sometimes sob through my hope. Hope does not always look like flowers and butterflies. Sometimes it comes through tears of fighting with yourself. Sometimes, God says yes. I used to always say, sometimes God says no. It was a rebuttal for those who told me to pray in Faith that God would answer my prayers. But, entering into this different season of my life. I can respectfully say, God can say yes and no. And, it does not have to be one or the other as a finality. That horrific day eating lunch with my family 19 months ago, listening to John John’s Oncologist tell me the cancer had spread….tears streaming down my face in front of my family. They all knew who had called. Steve’s head pressed hard against mine in an effort to hear the Dr’s words so he could find a reason they weren’t correct.
We have spent so much time fighting each other over God’s plan, I think we forgot we are not in control of it. I am going to walk differently now.
Sometimes, God says yes. And yesterday, He did.