You Tell Me I Am So Strong


Once upon a time, in 1995 I was enrolled in an elite High School on my way to being a Dr. Against all the discouragement of my mother that this was an unattainable position. Against all the odds of having an abusive, ugly, horrific early childhood. I was there, a freshman trying to make the grade and perform. I could absorb information and formulate it into test scores nearly perfect. I was quiet and shy. I never was really a social person. Bullying, abuse, and timidity had held me back. I had read books that college people still debate about today. I had an pre-education in upper-education. I was a walking encyclopedia of information and ability to perform.

I am 34, I envy your letters behind your name and how you rose above. I can barely keep my head above water anymore as far as learning comes. I think I doubt myself greatly. I get excited, but never had the experience of perseverance in anything but survival. Survival. That is deep. I am experienced in survival. Not educated traditionally with numbers of hours, or jobs, or other impressive stats and experience.

My resume includes leaving home at 15, graduating 5th in my class after skipping my last semester in H.S., Marrying my high school sweet heart after he impregnated two other women without my knowing, him doing drugs and walking out on me pregnant and our first child (to do drugs and have threesomes), dropping out of upper-education, falling on my face, asking for help from the wrong people, (including “Christians”) murder of a child, losing my other child in probate court??, Facing the man who brutally murdered my son while watching porn, in court, Recounting how I would never know how to be a real person again with any type of confidence, followed by a wonderful man I loved dying in a car accident, followed by running away to New York. Sure, I was able to accomplish things and career moves along the way. But, things were always shaky. How’s my resume so far????? Shall I get into the today and now? I think my past speaks for itself.

I judge myself incapable of being normal. I embody the confidence, yet not the ability to do what I used to. I am smart and intelligent. I just don’t think I know how to navigate crap anymore. I simply have too much real life stuff behind me to not see things for what they are. I call it as I see it. That doesn’t work in real life. People are too busy being fake or putting up a front. I can not stand that.

Oh, God, I pray……..make me understand who and what I am today. Give me the patience to endure and come out of circumstances wiser, more informed, and practical, than I am today. Strong words…..Strong history…..anticipatory nature of my present.

So my title, Faith Moon, Caldwell, Marandola, P.O.M.C., Momcologist, Professional Emphatic, Professional Grief Processor, Professional Anticipator of Disaster..?m

Wise as a serpent, Innocent as a dove

I can not take you further down my rabbit trail,

Faith

 

 

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