Can we just lay in bed hand in hand and pretend to be friends? Can we just go back to the months after our daughter was born? Where it seemed the dream was unfolding for both of us. We had expectations of a new beginning and a life of children and helping each other through life. Can we just remember the times of our son up till age three? Before things shifted into this horrible abyss? Can we go back to big bbq’s and friends and softball games? Can we go back to that place we were where life had not battered us to death? Can we forget about the loss of our 2nd son at 21 weeks gestation. I never want to hear the name Baby James again. Cant we just hold hands and lay here and forget. Can we forget cancer for just a while. Can we share the carefree joy of a baby learning to turn over. Can we delight in the stupidest of things, like putting together a playhouse for our kids and cherishing a bountiful garden. Can we forget how barren our lives have become.
The loss and the tragedy that has surrounded us for the last three years runs deep in our souls, it burns a path that has created a harshness between us and a division of understanding. I just want to lay together and dream like we used to. To forget. cancer. still birth. brain damage. lack of income. the struggle to live. I just want to dream with you again.
I see us on opposite sides of a river. One filled with faith in healing, judgment, and criticism. I wish I could span that gap and be friends again. Its lonely over here. No one really understands the gravity of what I have totally taken over with my sons medical care. Its lonely here. there aren’t many survivors.
I feel like a causality of war. I don’t know what to do next and I certainly don’t know how to handle now. I feel a failure. I feel sad and lonely. Im sorry life gave us this crap. I just want to lay with you and forget all of the problems, to dream together. To laugh together, its been so long. I really just want to learn how to live under pressure. I want to feel that the doom isn’t overpowering the life we live. Im sad. Im lonely. I want back what we had.
Your wife, Faith