There is this place in cancer land that happens between MRIs, it’s the in between. Nothing is real, every possible symptom is the enemy. Can John John’s leg be “therapied” into cooperating again? Is his loss of bladder control because of a met in the spine or developmental? Is he ok? or is he not? The pound that he lost, was it all muscle? Is that what is causing this loss of control of his leg?
As a parent, we just don’t know the answer to these questions. These are the things that run through my head on a daily basis. These are the things I ask myself as I choose underwear or a pull up for my son to wear today. It’s very conflicting…I don’t know how to think anymore or how to act. I work myself into a state of worry only to go to an MRI and find out the cancer in his brain hasn’t spread any further. But, there’s no peace from this information because the Dr. presents the possibility of a tumor in his spine.
I watch my son drag his foot, and I have flashbacks about how this all began. His right foot began to turn inward toward his left foot. That was the first symptom of brain cancer. It was an observation that changed our lives.
I can not help but watch him drag his leg in horror, not knowing what is causing it.
I haven’t been able to pen my thoughts for a while now, because im so confused. I decided to take a mental break from cancer for a while, and try to reset my mind about the whole thing.
here’s what I came up with. John is still here, no one thought he would be. Yes, he is dragging his leg and wetting his pants. There is a possibility that things are worse than they appear. But, I’m not going to live in that reality right now. The reality I am going to choose to live in is, that John is a child struggling in a very real way right now with frontal lobe brain damage. That is more of a challenge than you may realize.
He is hard to keep emotionally stable. He melts down over the simplest things. My greatest victory this week was when I put green beans on his plate and the whole dinner did not dissolve into crying and thrashing about on the floor.
That is more real than the possibility of a tumor in his spine. That is to be categorized as a worry, but not put on the front burner of my mind. I have resolved to focus more on his day-to-day life and helping him to control his emotions.
I feel strongly that cancer will kill him eventually, I have prepared my other children for this. My husband and I are on opposite ends of this debate. He swears The Lord is going to heal my son. I have doubts.
We are in the in between, where nothing defines reality more than your thoughts. We try to be kind to each other and deal with the problems at hand. But, the in between is a very vast landscape that includes doubts and fears.
John is happy, Hope is happy. We’re going to stay right there while we’re in the in between.