Looking up a 100 ft ladder into nowhere….
This is where my husband and I stand. He believes our son is healed. I do not.
Hard place to stand.
He believes that if he has enough faith in God and Jesus ability to heal, that it is inevitable. He believes that even if he gets bad reports that he can pray them into nonexistence. He believes that if he believes he is healed, he is.
I do not. I deal in the real. I take everything for what it is. If God wants to heal our son, He will. I pray for this. Daily. I believe in what is right in front of me. I see the degradation in the scans. the halting of growth, and the expected growth.
This is not an easy one to write. Most people wont admit the fault in their marriage or relationship. Most people will not discuss the division of thinking or operation.
The reason I would like to bring this to the light, is because I know there are many other struggling families with differing opinions about what reality looks like.
I can not fathom my son dead. But, I do. Steve does not. I can not fathom the end. But, I know how it ends in most cases. I have nightmares about it. Steve does not. There is a realm he exists in that faith overcomes death despite facts. It is a realm I wish I understood. But, I do not. We differ on how we look at this situation in great detail. I grieve the lost parts of my son’s life already. The ability to do things other children do and the luxury of control over ones body. Steve grieves the lost hours doing homeopathic treatments. And enjoys the hours spent with the kids running around the softball field. I take John to therapy and watch him progress. I delight in that. I play with the children and delight in the rivalry. I stand at a different pose than he does.
I can not bring these thoughts to an end. I cannot reconcile the two sides into one conclusion. So, I will leave it as that……an unending…