On John’s last mri we were given some very devastating news. The cancer is infiltrating his brain in two spots. We were told we have to wait 6 weeks for another mri. During this time it is expected for these cancer cells to begin to form into tumors. Now the mind games begin.
Its hard not to go THERE. Death. My thoughts have been wandering there quite a bit lately. I find myself with tears rolling down my cheeks at any given time. I have to catch myself before I get to far into the thoughts of death and what cancer really does to people. It kills them. I have seen the enemy and there is only one way this is going to end well. We need a miracle. That in and of itself is a mind game. Yes, God does heal and perform miracles. But, sometimes God says no. Sometimes the healing occurs in heaven when we want it here on earth.
When I look at the mri images, it looks like a lit up blob. It doesn’t look like it could kill. It looks like the sun in the middle of John John’s brain. He doesn’t even have any headaches yet. This is good. We have been diligent about all the homeopathic remedies we are using. So, why is it spreading? I wish I knew.
If I could DO anything more, I would. I pray constantly. I talk to God all day long. I am a DOER, not a waiter. Waiting is excruciating to me. It’s hard to accept that I can not DO anything. It is hard to accept that all I can do is wait.
There is an art to waiting, I am learning. Its living in the moment. Enjoying every little bit of the day. Remembering that the world has not ended yet, we are all still here. Mind games. Not allowing my mind to wander is hard. I try to stop the morbid thoughts and just be patient. The information will come eventually one way or the other soon enough. I am scheduling the mri for the first week of august. John’s birthday bash is July 5th and his real birthday is July 29th. We need the comfort of having his birthday pass before we embark on this long road once again. Having those two things to focus on is very important to all of us. It relieves some of the tension of playing mind games with ourselves.
It seems so stupid to have to wait for a tumor to grow. No one ever told us this was how cancer works. But apparently the cells infiltrate the brain and the brain inflames. Then all the cancer cells get together and have a party and the tumor becomes a tumor. How weird, right? These cancer cells seem like evil little minions hell-bent on destruction. Little purple minions (for all of you who have seen despicable me 2) This is how I imagine them. There smart little minions, with one mission. To get together and create havoc. Mind games. I need a visual in my head. So, the evil minions are plotting right now. We just have to wait and see if we win or they do. Someone gave me a large purple minion. I think ill set fire to it in my fire pit. Then we will all sing the banana song and eat bananas. Ha!