Peace in the moment…inside the mind of a parent of a child with brain cancer

We are at a stopping point of sorts. We have a lot of decisions to make. Our son is nearing on his 5th birthday. The changes developmentally in the brain occur right around this time. The brain stops making connections easily and slows down. Learning is done through the connections already made. so, things like his right side being weak or certain muscles not activating at all become permanent. It is a daunting thing to think about. My son will wear a brace on his right foot his whole life. Therapy couldn’t fix that. he hops like a bunny when he runs. but he runs. I am consumed with this mother guilt for his life. I can not help but take responsibility for his reality and physical ability. part of it was out of my control and I did offer him the best of what was available as afar as therapy goes.

He is handicapped.

Should I have followed that sentence with anything? He is fine, but handicapped. I have to really reach to find peace in this. he is ok the way he is. perhaps he will never be up to par with the other kids. maybe that is not God’s plan for him. It’s just hard to see your child not whole.

fast forward…I imagine a child in kindergarten trying his best to learn things. his visual processing is not normal. so what he sees his brain is not always able to process into information. he is weak even on his dominate side. his fine motor control is poor. he must fight to write the simplest of things, like his name. I can not imagine this child writing papers.

fast forward…he has more control over his dominate side and uses a computer to write…..relief…..he can touch screen his way through lessons…relief….he has adaptive pencils and other things that make his world easier to navigate….relief….

fast forward…he lives to graduate high school and college…relief…..he is a grown man and can support a family and have children….relief….

this is how to go from 90 to 10 mph in a few minutes…..he is going to be ok. I must have peace with that instead of trying to control everything.

my tears over therapy taking a break are truly fruitless. he is ok. I need to accept that and move on.

enough for now, Faith


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