Today I shaved my son’s head. Just a routine hair cut. But, I saw the scars from his surgery and they left me floundering in pain. 7 inches from forehead to crown, then the hole where his brain fluid drained right after his surgery.
Stark picture. I know. But, When your shaving a head, you see every bit of oddity. When I was done, the scars were barely noticeable to the untrained eye. I used a number 2. The shortest I dare use with him. I used to always use a number 2 before his surgery. Today it was a risk. He could have been walking around for two weeks with a long line down his head. A scar. A badge of honor, if you ask me. But, a stark reminder that he is different to his peers.
There are so many scars that run deep from that scar on his head. Scars on our hearts that are still a bit raw and well hidden. We have to deal with the fact that we almost lost our child. Amidst the victory of 10 months into his diagnosis of 3-9 months to live. The fear still runs deep. The many sleepless nights at his bedside wondering if he would suffer a stroke, or his brain pressure would be out of control, or if his post op mri would reveal new growth.
They are memories, they are scars. They come embedded with emotion and investment into our childs wellbeing. It was a difficult time. One wrought with so many worries. So many memories of pain and endurance. How would we overcome this? How was our daughter going to withstand the pressure of this situation as a 5-year-old? How could we actually come together long enough to come to a decision about our sons treatment?
I looked at those scars on his head as I cut the hair away, I remembered where we have come from. It was a long road. It is a long road. You barely notice the scars on his head. Our scars are well hidden to the outside, but still raw in this house. It is hard to bring a divided house back together again. I cried as I shaved his sweet little head today. I cried tears of remembrance and healing. Tears that remind me of the blessings of today. The pain I still feel when I remember where we have been.
It was just a haircut. It was just a number 2.
It may take years to recover from the scars of this ordeal. now that we are on the end of Grace, we have time to heal. No tragedy is without loss.