The moment my son came out of the operating room, the surgeon walked out. He was there to deliver the news, whatever it may be.
I had taken the time ahead to write down a list of questions while I still had half a brain during surgery. But, this is what he said.
He lost three liters of blood, I didn’t think he was going to make it through surgery, but he did. He barely made it. Everyone was ecstatic! I knew better. What was it? What is the name of the tumor and is it cancer? My brain was screaming! Then the crushing words. malignant glioma of some sort. MALIGNANT. I gathered my blood back into my face and asked all of the questions I had written down.
The cancer was deadly and malignant meaning the chance of it having spread or spreading was good. if not now then in the near future. Regrowth was almost an inevitability. I know enough about cancer to understand that his chances were not good. Even without a final pathology, the initial one to come back was worst case scenario. Horrific news.
I was reeling. he had to make it past a 36 hour window to be out of the risk of stroke or brain bleeds. he would have a repeat mri in 24 hours.
This photo was taken of him about 5 hours after surgery when they figured out what pain medication would work for him. It was 4 hours of agony. crying at the side of his bed while they figured out what pain medication combination would work for him. We couldn’t soothe him because more stimulation agitated him and caused thrashing around.
It was the worst thing in the world to have to stand there and cry silent tears and not try to comfort him. It took everything i had as a mother to not touch that poor child while the nurses worked. It was agony. pure agony. pain i could not even pretend to soothe. pure terror in my heart. praying for mercy for my poor son the whole time.
going on in the back of my head was a huge question to God. If he has malignant brain cancer, why spare him from the surgery if were going to lose him later? I never thought to ask for a miracle. I didn’t think that was possible. I didn’t understand why God would allow this if He might think to cure it.
It taught me a lesson I will never forget. time is so precious. every tear I spent saying goodbye before the surgery, every moment I tried to memorize the way he felt in my arms, every kiss on his sweet head, every cuddle, and every moment was precious regardless of the situation. It was me feeling again. I felt his presence and life became sharper in that moment for me. more in focus if you will.
I was left with the devastating news that the doctor didn’t know how much brain damage had been caused. It was questionable whether or not he would move his right side again. For now he was completely paralyzed.
Enough for now, Love