Doubts creep in again

Against my resolve to believe God is granting John a long life, we had a hiccup. That’s all I believe it is, in my brain. But in my heart of hearts, there is a bit of fear that creeps in.

John hit his head and has a mild concussion. He tumbled off a small bleacher at the basketball game and hit the side of his head. I took him to the emergency room and they evaluated him, but did not scan his head. They said he has a virus that is contributing to his lethargy and a mild concussion.

His headaches seem to be the same for three days now, and it reminds me of another time. The period before he was diagnosed. I was scrambling for answers to what was causing the symptoms. The constant headaches and lack of desire to do anything but sit there. Maybe its nothing more than a flashback of a bad time where uncertainty ruled.

I don’t know, but I try to ground myself into the facts. Concussions hurt. Headaches are expected. He doesn’t feel good because he is fighting off a virus. The doctor said he will heal with rest.

Still, you know that a speck of fear resounds in me during uncertain times. How could my mind not go THERE? It is a natural response to anything head related with my son. It scares the hell out of me, quite frankly. But, there’s nothing I can do but wait it out and see if it becomes more or less than what it is right now.

Mortality seems to be lurking around every corner of my life lately. When you think of a loved ones mortality, you think of your own. It’s a deep dark place to go. I don’t expect to die any time soon and I do not expect to lose my children or husband any time soon. But, the prospect of those possibilities leads me to bad places in my brain. Panic mostly.

Yes, I am a fragile human being. I am not alone. I know that the prospect of my son hitting his head causing a concussion doesn’t mean his death. Far from it. But, there are still the echos of fear the resound within me. What would the end look like?

For now, in my brain, I am going away from this subject and on to my previous resolve. This is a hiccup and he will heal. He will live however long God sees fit to give him life. We will rejoice in today, because it is filled with blessings. Moments of joy are to be had, and we will have them.

We are in the troughs of preparations for our make a wish trip to florida. Disney, universal studios, and seaworld are all on the agenda. It will be an adventurous trip filled with wonder and joy. As we prepare, i will remember how unique this opportunity is and how rare this much joy is to be had with such freedom in such a short amount of time.

I anticipate wonder in my children’s faces and fascination. I anticipate freedom of imagination and sheer joy. I will endeavor to be in the moment, during each moment and love it all. I endeavor to feel it all deeply and revel in it.

Enough for now,

with love



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