I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my new mindset. Which is, John is going to live. The more I think about it, I realize there’s a big difference between the mindset of him living or dying eventually. It’s all about attitude and fear.
When I say there’s a big difference, let me clarify. You see, either way the outcome is not in my hands, but Gods. If I should choose to have the attitude that he will live through this, in the end it’s still not in my hand. But, the fruit of this attitude is a happier, less fear driven, more peaceful life. If I should have the attitude that he is going to die, It’s still in God’s hands. But, the fruit of this attitude creates uncertainty, fear, and despair.
One thing there will be no difference with either mindset is my changed view on joy. I find myself capturing more and more moments of joy in the midst of everyday life. I am more aware to enjoy them.
The other day John found these three cars in the playroom. They are the kind you can run across the floor and rev up the speed before letting them go. We found ourselves revving the cars up as fast as we could before letting them go, only to find they did wild tricks and spun in every direction on the back wheels if you did this. We laughed hysterically! Then I cooked dinner. LOL! You see, joy was to be had in the moment in between the perfunctory things that had to be done and the half hour of laughing at the tricks we could make the cars do.
Sometimes I realize these gems of small moments and cry. I cry with the relief of discovering them. I would have missed that moment before. I would have thought to myself. I really need to go cook dinner and he is happy playing on the floors with his cars. I would have missed the joy.
I got a deep sense of satisfaction out of that moment with him. And, a deeper realization of what I had been missing for so many years. It is too easy to say I will slow down and enjoy the moments before they are gone. And, then you blink. It’s so easy to do.
I love my children deeply and am learning to have a good attitude about the way life might or might not go. The only difference is in how much I can relax and trust that today holds enough good to make tomorrow worth looking forward to living. These gems make me excited about what I might find in tomorrow.
To watch my children experience the range of emotion in life is huge. I remember how deeply we can live and walk when I watch them. They walk with such freedom of emotion, that it truly strikes a resounding chord deep in my heart that used to be an echo. I had forgotten to feel things deeply. Life has a way of toughening us up and flat-lining our emotions just enough that we lose our abandon. I am getting mine back.
It’s not all cookies and milk. I have rough days just like anyone else where I want to pull my hair out. After all, I am human. But, I am growing in my awareness of what life should really be about.
With Love, Faith