There is a quiet silence that builds as the months go by where John John’s state has not changed. The cancer is not growing. The collateral damage is diminishing. The grind of appointments is wearing on me. The abnormal structure of our days no longer phases me. It is a lull. A lull into oblivion from where I stand. It is the quiet place where I once again begin to think. To ponder…
I wonder, is God healing him? Is this how it goes with most brain cancer patients? Is his improvement permanent? Is good news good to the point that I can rejoice? Is he really quietly declining?
His illness is unknown to the naked eye. Everything is a guess at best. My heart vacillates between the reality of rejoicing in today and mourning the loss of today. Does that make sense? The new reality is just that, new. It is sad and difficult. But, it has become the new normal around which, life has been built. It’s a sorrowful thought to me. I think I live in fantasy half the time. If….then….if……then……we all do it.
The reality is like this….monday, clean and cook like a mad person. Tues, two apts. wed, clean again do laundry, book club. thurs, 3 apts. Fri, grocery and cook again. Sat, quiet time and church. Sun, fun day then minichurch. In between all this madness, deal with brain-damaged child. deal with needy child. Create fun times. Try to maintain this as normal and stay sane.
God gave me this cup. It is mine to bear, not alone. But, with community, which is strong. It is hard, but not impossible. I have faith that God has a bigger plan. My pride is put away. My defenses are down now. I am vulnerable in a new way. I depend on others to share my burden. Some actively do, others turn a blind eye. Its fine. I know God has placed a path before me. All I need do is stay in step with the spirit and I will go in the correct direction. I’m struggling, but only some. I’m not consumed. so, life is normal. it’s the new normal. but, life is normal and i’m ok with that.
no change is good right now.