I shared a few of the stories of how our situation has touched others lives in the last few months. Now, I want to tell you how this has impacted me.
When I see people shaken up, I feel their pain more than my own in that moment. I spent a lot of time talking about WHY God might let this happen with a number of people I know and love, and a few strangers. That is not the important question though. The most important aspect of this is, What do we do with it?
I choose not to allow myself to become embittered in spirit and sit in the question of why. I was emphatic from the beginning to each person that I spoke with, that why was not important to the outcome or to how we would choose to live now. I have allowed this situation to cause the deeper questions to flow freely in my conversation and thoughts. I chose to do less in my time. What do I mean by that? I took the eternal “list” and burned it. I took a look at my priorities and reorder them. After all, what do you do when your told. Your son has an invisible stopwatch on his life and we can’t see the timer?
But, really how is this different from anyone’s life in any situation? The only real difference is we were shaken by the shoulders into remembering how precious our time with each other is. Are we not all precious? Are not each of our relationships important and worthy of our time? Is today any less important than tomorrow even if we don’t have cancer? Yeah, that series of questions should have made the hair on your neck rise up a bit.
How was I living that was so wrong? In pure selfishness, that’s how. I had to accomplish, achieve, excel in my every life role. Mother, wife, woman, and Christian. To be the best, fastest, most worthy takes a lot of time. And appearances become superficial in that mindset. Selfish. All of it.
Why do I have to remodel the whole house when it’s what is inside of the house that matters the most?
Why do I have to cook the fanciest meals and worship perfection as a God? Selfishness. Why do I need to be involved in so many ministries? What am I proving to God by being so busy? Perhaps my heart was just not right. Ok, it just wasn’t right. I wanted approval of everyone in everything.
Now, practicality won out here. I do clean my house, cook food, and work on what needs to be done. I am active in ministry. Just in a different order. And, with less tenacity. I do not willingly take on new things without serious thought. It is important to first
treasure every moment of every day. In order to do that I had to SLOW DOWN…..
I am a perfectionist by nature. I need everything to be done. Well, that is out the window along with the anger it produced. Boy, feeling lighter already. I roll at a slower pace. Things just aren’t perfect. And I am ok with that. It took adjustment for the people in my house. Supermommy just got thrown out the window.
It was a lowering of expectations on everyone’s part.
The only thing i never hesitate to say yes to is spending time with people I love doing fun things. Dinners together, outings, engaging with life as it should be engaged in. The perfectionism is gone. At a certain point it was necessary and thankfully I was forced into not physically being able to do it all by myself.
It was a humbling experience to say the least. A friend came and cleaned my house from top to bottom. Many people brought meals. Friends brought gift cards for restaurants so we could eat on the run. Two friends bought me a bob stroller to carry John John around in. I couldn’t afford it. I was so humbled and grateful. How can you say no to a life changing gift? A friend bought John John an adaptive tricycle to help strengthen his leg muscles so he could walk again. I cried at the extravagance of the gifts. A friend lovingly bought me a new pair of shoes because my back hurt pacing the hospital floors. People from so many places made all the difference in the world to us during our trials.
These people are to be celebrated For The Love Of God! They are the face of Christ amidst the pain. They are doing it for their Love of God.
And so, life looks different now. It is so much easier without the burden of having it all done just right. Accepting help when i need it. Asking for it when I need it. And taking time to say yes to the right invitations not to too many obligations.
For My Love of God, Faith