There is a thought that runs through a parent’s mind when disaster strikes. Why God?! What did I do to deserve this? What did my innocent child do to deserve this? Why did you allow this to happen? The intense agony of any parent’s cry to God. The very God we serve. The One that we trust with our path, our well-being, our life’s purpose….Why….what does this all mean? To the person afflicted, to people who feel responsible, to the peripheral casualties.
Not many people on the face of this earth will every truly be privy to my heart as it is concerned towards my three sons. Noah, John, and James….Each son is either dead or given a death sentence at this point. I have been through many stages of grief in the last 12 years. I can not tell you the depths of my pain. It is simply explained as the kind of pain only a mother of a murdered child can know, only the mother of a still birthed child can know, only the mother of a child afflicted with cancer can know. It is depth and breadth of pain that very few can understand. And those that fear these things or have experienced these things will feel a familiar pang of deep resonating pain……….
Why did God allow this to happen? There are very many pithy christian sayings thrown about during these circumstances that can wound a bleeding heart already riddled with pain….It was God’s will… God will use it to His greater purpose for those who love Him….. God is in control, your child is in heaven, your child is in a better place…God does not give you more that you can bear….
I can not think of a better place than a child to be than in his mother’s arms. I can not think of a mother who thinks her child better off dead. It is simply against nature. The very plan that God himself set forth. There is no greater hole in a mother’s heart than the absence of a child that should be present….It takes me back many years….
12 years ago, Noah…the sweetest and most easy-going child I have had the privilege of mothering. He was so quiet and complacent. You would forget he was in the room if he never wanted to eat. What a supreme joy for a 20-year-old mother to have as her second child. He was simply a happy boy.
When he was murdered I spent years in anger and bitterness. I railed against God. Why should He let such a thing befall such an innocent family? I was angry. I rebelled. For years. I almost took my life. Many times. I went through every human emotion known to a mother. Desperate grief, the very identity of my person being ripped out from under me…i was a mother and now i had no children, anger, hatred, worthlessness, failure.
My center was not God. It had been my children. They occupied the center of my world. Every other thing was periphrial……God, job, myself, eating, every need i had…all a forgone thought that was second to my children. It was no surprise that when the bottom dropped out, there was nothing left to hold things together.
Baby James, He died at 21 weeks gestation from a terrible defect that occurred sometime in the first trimester. The day he died, I was busy with an electric jack hammer pounding fence posts into our yard to place a fence. I wanted a safe place for my three children to play. What guilt…He was there 2 weeks before, we knew he had problems from a previous ultrasound. I had found the best doctors in the country to help him, I had put in for consults. I had expected disability and hardship. And, then i went for a routine check up that day. He was dead. I was carrying a dead child. I felt incredible guilt. They took him from me. I never saw him. I never kissed his sweet head.
Now, John John. They say his tumor has been growing for most of his short 4 years. What on Gods green earth? What could have caused this? He survived a surgery most doctors would have walked away from for fear of lawsuit after death. But, that sweet child made it through. Only to be given a death sentence….What are we to make of the miracle of his recovery? Only to expect death?
There is one common factor with no pithy christian sayings. God is surely in control of our entire stories from beginning to end. His sovereignty is real. He alone knows my story from beginning to end, with the state of my heart at the center. His purpose at the center. He took the evil that befalled Noah and used it to grow me up. I began to seek His face after several years. He blessed me with my daughter hope. He put me in a place He knew I could be used. He allowed me to cultivate my faith in Him through despair. He prepared me to deal with tragedy and hardship. To appreciate relationship and love for the real qualities it had to offer. He showed me His face through so many people, that i can not begin to explain here what that looked like. Baby James prepared me for many things. I can only say that God used this to prepare me for where I now walk. Faith is a choice. It is a line we tow in a bane existence. It is the promise of a bigger picture some day, to God’s glory. It is the people who are woken up in the process of our suffering. It is the state of our broken hearts when we seek Him. It is the story as it unfolds and what we choose to do with it. These are our testimonies. It all changes when God is our center. We can choose the light yolk and the easy burden when we choose God. You see, when you choose Him…you do not have to ask why. You only have to gently walk the path. When you do not need to understand the greater picture and you have the freedom to turn the understanding over to Him, you do not need to feel out every angle. You simply have to move forward. The burden is easy and the yolk is light……I can just walk forward and I do not have to know why…I trust that His intent for my life is good. I follow Him…not perfectly….but, my heart is seeking His face and His purpose for my circumstance…. Why is not important.
It is what we choose to do with our faith and the way that we walk through circumstance that is important.
With Love, Faith