We like to think we have control. Its natural, after all… don’t we call the shots? Really, its inevitable……disaster occurs. In my life this looked like a few different things. My son Noah was murdered 11 years ago, I went insane for a couple of years, my husband walked out, I lost my oldest daughter trying to recover from my sons murder, my fiancee a few years later was killed in a car crash, my son has cancer. All this said, you understand I’ve walked a long road….often alone, it seemed at the time. I’ve yelled my prayers at God, I’ve begged, I’ve demanded, I have insisted my will be done until I’m blue in the face.
God is patient, kind, loving, and gentle….every attribute I should convey under duress. Of course, I don’t. Let’s just get real for a moment. I have screamed at God “Why”?? While driving 90 MPH down the interstate in tears on my way to the airport to hear a man admit to brutally murdering my baby Noah, 5 months old. I have begged God to end my miserable life because of the pain, on my knees. I have prayed for my daughter to be able to come home for a visit for years and years. I have cursed more times than I can count, the people who have thrown me away. I have prayed for all the wrong things “in the moment” and gained years of wisdom on the back end of things. Yeah, on the back end of things…..that hits home, huh? After the fact?
We all can look backwards and sometimes see the lines God has drawn. How he prepared us, shaped us, stretched us. “oh God, please show me how I have been prepared for this time” really God I need to see it, I need to know I’m in the here and now for a purpose. If I can just look back and see how you have prepared me, I can hang on just a little while longer.
I wonder often, what am I hanging on for? Death? Again? Healing in an impossible situation? Yes and yes. I wait for both. At the same time. I listen intently to the numerous doctors we are required to see. Pediatricians, neuro surgeons, neuro radiologists, neuro oncologists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, rehabilitation doctors……….I try my dammedist to make the big picture out. Its impossible. They all have only a piece of the puzzle. I wonder what Gods will is…has my son been put here to simply touch peoples lives? Has he been put here to be a miracle on a biblical scale? How many prayers to heaven prompt God to act? I ponder these things between Praising God for the time I have, returning emails, caring for the precious children I have, working out problems, feelings, and meal plans. Its a surreal dance between the mundane and the deep. *sigh* I’m tired…”Dear Lord, I need deep rest today. I’m really tired, I need the strength to carry on through tomorrow”. So, I wait.
God is the author. He will have His will done. I pray for a miracle, and strength to endure the good fight. I prepare for the worst. I ask for help for the details.