So, My bff and I took John to the emergency room. The declaration had been made between the two of us that we were not leaving without answers. We checked in and John lay down on a sofa. It all went pretty fast really. I explained every detail of what was going on. His right side was weak, he had recently stopped using his right hand, he was deteriorating in his ability to even stand without falling over, he had a headache for three days that would not stop, he was acting violent in an unusual manner, he wasnt eating, he wasnt engaging with other children, he was just acting very odd. I got many odd looks. Many questions about cerebral palsy as a possible diagnosis. I was feeling pretty desperate pretty fast.
I can not tell you, as a mother, every thought running through my head. I knew he had a brain tumor. I had figured it out weeks ago. I knew nothing else would cause personality changes. I was desperate for an mri or cat scan. I knew that was going to start an avalanche too. I was terrified, I was running high with every emotion a mother could have.
I’ll spare you the details. They agreed to give him a quick cat scan. Within 5 minutes there were doctors and nurses in the room. They asked if they could take me into the next room. But, when i stepped out of the room there was a computer screen in front of me with a mass inside of the skull so large it took my breath away. I quickly scanned and found my own last name on the screen. The words coming out of the doctors mouth were a blur. There is a mass, it is very large, we are sending you to chop very quickly, we need to start an iv, you need to make some phone calls.
My mind was spinning….how could anything that large be growing inside my child’s head? How could he look so normal? He had hardly any brain. His head was FULL of tumor. Was it cancer. I had never thought of that. Tumors mean cancer most of the time. Does he have cancer? He is going to have to have brain surgery. THEY ARE GOING TO CUT MY CHILDS BRAIN OPEN. Dear God, have mercy on my child. Have mercy on him please, Lord. He is your child, you love him more than I do. Please do not take him from us right now. I switched to prayer in my brain amidst the chaos. My thoughts turned to God, He has all the answers. He knows every hair on my little boy’s head. My son was fearfully and wonderfully made. He was knit together in my womb only a short time ago.
I remember praying that he would be a boy. Steve wanted a boy. I remember the struggle to bring a pregnancy to full term in the heavy summer heat. Every sleepless night, laying there feeling this tiny person moving around inside of me. The hopes, the joy, the very essence of life personified. A baby. The greatest joy a mother can imagine. Every dream, every hope, every wish, every prayer, all directed at this tiny miracle that would forever change your life. A baby.
Here was my baby. I was terrified he was going to die. I washed my face, wiped my tears away, and walked back into the room to sit and stare at my son’s dirty legs. Oh, yes, the strawberry field. He was berry hunting. I smiled at him. I kissed him. I tried not to let him see my tears. I tried to be his mom in that very moment.